Octopus Kwest Shipping With Psychic Sensors

May 8, 2019

 

Dark Zuckerborg has confirmed today that the Octopus Kwest will, in fact, ship with state of the art psychic sensors. The CEO of FaceFace was quoted as saying, “Now, I know we haven’t had the best track record on psychic mind-reading recently, but just trust me on this one.” This is in stark contrast to what was mentioned at the FATE conference (the Fear And Technology Expo) where he said that his organization would stop pursuing mind control technologies to spy on and control people.

Dark has been under fire recently for increasingly absurd violations of his subjects autonomy. Lamien DaBonte (also known as Lamo9000 on Breadit), a well known Octopus developer, had this to say:

“Dark was different than most evil overlords. He was entirely forthcoming with us about his evil plans! Unlike the other evil overlords who pretended to be great guys for years or even decades, Zuckerborg told us straight up that we were dumb f*cks to trust him. I really respected that, you know? He’s a real go-getter, he just unapologetically wants to take over the world and no one was going to stop him. Honestly, I think he’s doing a pretty good job at it.”

We asked a few other Octopus developers how they felt.

“I HATE HIM! HE IS BAD FOR HUMANITY! HE’S SECRETLY A REPUBLICAN! Also, I bet he hates cats.” ~ Brett Falsicheck of Cray Pompei

“I don’t know what the big deal is. At least he’s honest about it all. Alright, well maybe he lies all the time but to be fair being evil is really cool.” ~ Bear Reno of Eye-Wrist VR.

“Yeah, he’s super evil. But I don’t really care as long as my indie game makes money.” ~ Bryan Smith of Invrt Studios

When grilled about why his device used psychic powers to access your mind, a FaceFace spokesperson stepped in to say the following: “Look, honestly, we already have access to your thoughts and memories already. Accessing them through a psychic link is just a formality. It allows us to subsidize the Kwest and undercut it to a price that other companies can’t realistically compete with. That means we can put these luxury electronics no one needs on the heads of tons of impoverished shmucks living paycheck to paycheck. That will mean more human heads Zuckerborg can psychically drain. Wait, have we announced that publicly yet? Hey can you redact that last part?”

 

 

On a more lighthearted note, we followed up with Dark about a meme everyone has been talking about: "s m o k e these m e a t s”. We asked, after pork and beef, what’s the next meat the Zuckerborg family will be smoking?

“I’m not at liberty to confirm that yet”, he said with a mischievous smirk, “but I will say is that the answer is RIGHT under your nose.”

 

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