Octopus Connect 6 Conference Highlights

September 27, 2019

 

As the magic Oasis dust settles, once again, on the biggest VR family get together, we bring you the top stories from the Octopus Connect 6 conference.

Convincingly rendered FaceFace Reaility Labs avatar, Mark Stickerbird 3.02, opened the conference to announce that all Rift-S owners are now required, by law, to detach the cable from their new headsets and send it to the nearest Kwest owner. He then revealed that hand tracking will be coming exclusively to Kwest to enable the top requested social VR feature, the middle finger gesture. Mark went on to reveal future plans for a wrist mounted brain module that will decide what you want for lunch before you do, before announcing a new social VR app ,Octopus Rec-Room-Chat-VR. A pre-rendered video then followed, featuring a super-annoying voice actor from a unsuccessful Dreamworks film.

VP of basketball and beer, Andrew 'Boss' Bossworthy then took to the stage to say "You already knew we're making AR glasses, right? but what you didn't know is we're also creating a multi-layered crowd-data representation of fucking everything on the planet. And to stop you getting totally freaked out by this idea here's a confusing diagram and a video, narrated by a softly spoken English guy".

Meaghan Fitzlovely was next up to say "Octopus Rec-Room-Chat-VR will connect you with legless cartoon versions of strangers and friends. You are free to build whatever you want and we can't wait to moderate 100s of wobbly penis forest worlds that will appear minutes after we launch".

Moments later VP of passive shouting, Mike 'Excellent Driver' Verdoo shuffled up in front of a giant image of the Oculus HD Prototype to say "Anyone remember that? Great. Maybe you can tell me because I've got no fucking idea what that is. Anyway, VR is now and the time is now and you're not early anymore. Also, PCVR gamers, You're probably feeling a little left out up to this point. You know you're getting Asgard's and Stormland later this year but next year you'll also be getting a ton of dedicated PC titles including Medal of Honor and .......err".

Michael Hairbrush then magically appeared to say "Here's a picture of an old computer and me when I was Napoleon Dynamite. Anyway, you know that Half Dome thing we've been making that you can't have. Well, we've made some more of those and you can't have those either. But seriously, I'm going to spend the next few years making a super-high-tech mixed reality holo-deck productivity fun zone containing unimaginable wonders. And you guessed it, you definitely can't have that. To make you feel a little better here's a picture of me as Napoleon Dynamite again. You already feel better don't you?" Michael then disappeared, leaving a gentle cloud of magic sparkles where he stood.

CTO and time travelling super-soldier, John Connor closed the conference by mind-melding with the audience and rapid-firing future tech knowledge directly in their brain over a period of 90 minutes, causing 12 audience members to pass out and a lucky few to learn kung-fu.

 

 

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