top of page
  • Writer's pictureVictor Riddel

Half Life Alix will definitely be shit announces man who's never tried VR

Dan Calamity has today announced that Half Life: Alix is guaranteed to be pungent cloud of shit steam that will certainly ruin the lives of everyone who touches it. We caught up with Dan during some painful laser surgery to remove his Half Life tattoo. Dan said "I've never tried VR but I'm pretty smart so probably have a good idea what it's about. It's kinda like monitor goggles that let you look around, teleport and occasionally vomit". "I've been loyal to Volv from day one, upgrading my PC with each new Half Life game. When I heard the new game was VR only and wasn't even the 4th installment it felt like a cold blade was plunged slowly into my biscuits. 12 long, torturous, years and now they also want 1000 bucks for their new electric helmet and Wii cyber-gloves! And no way I'm upgrading my PC to play this". "I watched the announcement video with the arm waving and ridiculous floating hands and the rage was overwhelming. I immediately booked some time off work to focus on crafting some award winning negative Steam comments". "How the fuck do Volv NOT understand how important Half Life 4 is to us? For them to focus on this VR trash instead of HL4 is a simultaneous spit in the eye for every gamer who misses Gordon and his beautiful mini-beard". We reached out to Volv with the question of 'Why VR instead of full HL4?' Volv employee, David Nervous said "The options were clear. Create a Half Life themed VR game for a small group of AAA-starved VR enthusiasts or work on the next installment of the most treasured and anticipated PC game of all time, for potentially billions of overly-expectant players". "We went for the option that didn't terrify the shit out of us".


bottom of page